Our (so-called) "employer"

Our (so-called) "employer"

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Tattle Tail Tuesday #7 - Mosaic Lady Scissorhands

Kitties, I believe that today's Tattle, in its simplicity, is perfectly illustrative of ML's absolute ineptness. It will give you a good amount of insight into how her mind (doesn't) works.

What do you notice about this photo, Kitties?
Bingo! Two pair of identical reading glasses.
Mosaic Lady noticed a display in CVS recently and started trying them on while waiting for her meds. (Need I say more?)
She really liked this pair, and really put out the bucks for them, Kitties, paying 20something dollars. (Of course she can't remember numbers or prices!)

When she got home, she found the plastic tag quite a challenge to remove. The helpful instructions told her to use a flat object to pry open the snap. So she grabs a steak knife. Before you can say: "Don't use that, you pathetic gaboon!", she put two huge scratches in the middle of the left lens.

ML is a bit OCD about (most everything, unless it involves: cleaning, cooking, gardening, grocery shopping, gift wrapping, fashion, hair styling) having clear eyeglass and a clean computer screen. Those two scratches were making her insane. She finally had the inspiration to search them out on eBay.
Voila! At half the price, even with shipping! A thrilling moment for all of us, as you might imagine.

When the new pair came in the mail, she almost broke off the arms trying to get them out of the 9 inches of bubble wrap and tape they were trapped inside. Having learned her lesson the first time (you just know I'm setting you up here, don't you?), she decided to use something other than a steak knife to pry off the annoying tag. She opted for the blade part of a small utensil knife contraption, so short it was sure to keep the blade away from the lenses, she "reasoned".

Alas...the blade was the perfect length to reach right through the tag and impale her left thumb so badly that the copious flow of blood forced her to run for a bandage.
I was so aghast that I covered my eyes at this point, so I do not know how she got the tag off, but it involved much potty mouth directed toward the glass manufacturer.


The same nasty diatribe was directed toward Verizon the day she tried to pry her new cell phone out of the industrial strength plastic packaging. Can you see some of the blood there on her right thumb? She got it all over the phone, too. It was ugly. Looked like a crime scene, frankly.
I tried to direct her to the warning on the box that said: "Must be opened under the supervision of a sane person."
Persons say that insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting different results. ML is definitely certainly probably possibly insane.

I can not tell you how many brand new catalog dresses she has cut a two-inch slit into as she tries to open the mailing envelopes with scissors. And just last night, she impaled herself again with the kitchen scissors she used to open her bag of salad.

Get a clue, Mosaic Lady. Take two - they're small!

19 comments:

Dragonheart said...

Oh my goodness! It sounds like the Mosaic Lady has problems with sharp objects and with opening things or taking them out of packages. My mom is a klutz, but she realizes that, so she tries to avoid using sharp objects whenever possible!

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Hahaha, mom sez "drop the scissors and back away" to dad alla time. He somehow manages to cut dat little bit of skin along with the object he's using the sharp implement on. We think it's cuz he's alway in a hurry...even tho he's kinda slow.

Maggy & Zoey said...

Perhaps if you got a pocket protector you could just wear the spectaculars tags-on; they would sort of go together in a fashion sense.
We always understood that cats do not have thumbs; but their humans are supposed to have them... are you just empathizing with the furs?
License or no, is it really safe to drive considering your multiple impediments at this time, those being not purely physical, but also mental.

Maggy & Zoey said...

P.S.
Welcome home CoCo... perhaps you only wanted to escape, albeit temporarily, from all this ML mania.

Jimmy Joe said...

Oh wow, your poor ML is kind of a waste of opposable thumbs, isn't she. I admire her for her perseverance, though.
Your buddy, Jimmy Joe

Diamond Emerald-Eyes said...

My Bean does not need glass to read, but she does need them to drive and to hunt. She is, however, a bit of walking disaster waiting to happen.

Daisy said...

Oh, I must admit that I laughed out loud reading that one! The story about the eyeglasses is too funny.

Tybalt said...

Oh my goodness!

Well, I have to admit that my mommy isn't quite as bad as that with scissors. She's completely inept at opening cans with a can opener, however, and is forever giving herself papercuts.

Kaze, Latte, & Chase said...

Sounds like she needs our Tall Man. He's a bit OCD about...everything! He is very careful about opening stuff while the Lap Lady has most certainly made some mistakes like the ML. Now she just blames the TM when she messes something up.

Kaze

Mickey said...

Bwahahahaha!!!! I think your Tattles are the best :)
We saw a TV advertisement that is for beans like ML! It is a tool to open way overpackaged stuff that is way cheaper than the packaging!!! Should save the fingers. (Assuming it is not packaged in killer plastic)
Purrs Mickey

Sunny's Mommy said...

Take two - they're small!

Hahahahaha!

If only she'd listen to you, Annie.

Mickey said...

Oh,about our "slightly distressed" green porch, Mom says it is more an "extremely distressed ,paint me" green. Heehee :)
The whole place needs a general fix up. Mom has been doing lots of painting indoors.
Purrs Mickey

HRH Yao-Lin said...

Your human is clearly in need of some more feline training. Imagine being that silly!

Sorry but ML is not in my good books. I read her comment on Baby Mao's blog. I sincerely hope she has fun looking at her screen saver of the little runt. I hope it stinks out the whole house.


I'm not jealous. Really!

xx

Kellie The Orange Cat said...

Ha, ha, ha......OMG - Annie, that is so funny! Sadly, I have seen this inept display of package opening at my house too! What can we do? I just sit back and look at her with pity : )

P.S. ML wears dresses?

Name: Mr. Hendrix said...

ha ha ha ha why do beans even try? they weren't born with claws so they need those round scissors little mini beans use. ha ha ha

Eric and Flynn said...

Hahaha Mum sez we're not to be rood about ML, but we haf to say it. She's a walking disaster. hahaha

Artsy Catsy said...

Ah, humans, gotta love 'em. Mine hasn't suffered bodily injuring over packaging yet ... but my ears suffer every time she tears into a package. She HATES excessive packaging and thinks it'll open easier if she screams at it!

Rocky

Sultanfus and Guy said...

I think maybe you should take over the job of opening stuff. Just use your kitty claws- thats what they are there for right?

Lux said...

Hahaha ... I'll bet ML and my mombean would get along great!

(No, that would be dangerous.)